ISU SSP 4: Operation Ground and Pound

I have been told that in the past, the United States has delivered some of the lamest culture night presentations of the entire ISU. Since the United States is not lame, I knew that the American team had better do something about our bad reputation at the ISU.

We had a series of meetings to discuss ideas for what we could do. There are 20 of us, more than any other country, so I figured there would be some talent in the group. We start asking each what we can do well. I volunteered to dance or play guitar if any of us could get our hands on one. Another volunteered to dance as well, but aside from that the room was empty and talentless. Someone suggested a video, which would be a great idea but would require a lot of work from one main editor and only small inputs from everyone else. “We could do a Power Point presentation about what state we come from and the traditions that come from each area,” someone said. “It would be a lot easier than a video, and it might be boring but that’s really all we have time to pull off.” (This statement was made an entire week before culture night)

Oh, HELL no… I thought silently. He did NOT just say Power Point presentation. Looks like I’m going to have to bite the bullet. “I’ll do the video!” I said. Thankfully, I had some backup to get some video and images. Later, I asked Virgil if I could borrow his “interview foreigners about what they know about your country” idea, and he gladly allowed me to.

Over the next few days, me and another girl took short interviews asking what people thought about America, their favorite music and movies, and what they disliked about the US. After the Astronaut panel on Tuesday, the entire team invaded a computer lab and downloaded a ton of images that I could use. This really helped and gave me some inspiration for many of the little jokes in the movie.

I strung it all together with some music and other video clips. We had talked with the logistics coordinator of the SSP about whether or not we were allowed to use the theme from Team America, entitled “America, F*%k Yeah!” He said not to, but since I know some audio engineers, that was no longer a problem. The song was now “America… Yeah!” and it became our opening theme. To get it done in time, I had to skip a Chinese lesson, but I got someone to take notes for me. I’ve heard it takes about an hour of editing to get one minute of movie, and I’d say that’s about true. I spent a few late nights and minutes between lectures as well as some limited free time to get the video done completely a whole day before the presentation.

At our final planning meeting on Thursday (or was it Wednesday? Not sure) we finalized the schedule. We had 15 minutes, so I proposed that the video be 7 minutes, each of our state/heritage introductions be 3 minutes, and some music and dance be the final 5 minutes. Once again, I volunteered to swing dance and break dance, and we all agreed to do the YMCA as our closer (not because it’s that great of a dance portraying American culture, but because it is easy and everyone could participate). During the dance, the rest of the team would pass out Jell-O shots to everyone.

Side note: In a later conversation, someone asked what the YMCA is, and a guy from Belgium replied, “Yeah, I think it’s some kind of gay youth hostel chain in the US.” Thank you Village People for ruining the reputation of the place I played little league baseball and learned to swim at.

It turned out that despite hours of searching at Wal-Mart, Jell-O could not be found, so we opted to make hunch punch and pass that off as an American drink.

Friday night arrived and the hour before we all cut out the flags of our ancestral heritage, got the hunch punch ready, and rehearsed the dances. By 7:30 we were confidently ready for the show. We were up first, and the show started around 8:00.

If you haven’t seen the video yet, you can watch it here. (I swear, it's the last time I link it!) The audience absolutely loved it. It basically set the bar for culture nights from here on out, and we were only halfway done with the show. Once the video was over, all of us got on stage and pointed out on the map where we were from, then showed flags of the countries our ancestors came from. When it was my turn, I said “Hi, my name is Ben, I’m from the state of Florida, but my ancestors come from Germany, England, and Scotland… maybe. I’m really not entirely sure. It could be something completely different.”

Once the intros were done, it went according to plan with no screw-ups – a little taste of swing dancing, a little taste of break dancing, and the first verse and chorus of the YMCA. I asked the MC to preface the break dancing by saying “Ben would like to inform you all that he is actually a terrible break dancer, so please to not judge all break dancing on his performance.” If Damage Plan or any b-boy crew I know had magically shown up, it would have blown them away, because they were quite impressed with what I threw down.

Several faculty came up to members of Team America and said that was the best US culture night presentation ever, and possibly one of the best of SSP history. One in particular said she’d never seen anything like it and was so proud the US didn’t screw up and do something corny. I felt bad for the groups that had to follow us.

After all the presentations, the floor opened up for dancing. The three other countries also passed out alcohol (German beer, Swedish schnapps, and Belgian beer, I believe), so once again everyone was loose and ready to have fun. This week’s party was even crazier than last time, and far more entertaining because Dr. Nikoli Tolyarenko and Dr. Jeff Hoffman got out onto the dance floor. If you’ve never seen a Russian rocket scientist salsa dance with young Hispanic women, then you have not seen everything this world has to offer. Both men were incredibly white, but as I mentioned last time, the stereotype does not apply outside the USA. All I could do was laugh and have a wonderful time with them. I met some Chinese girls who spoke English, and they’ve decided that they’re coming to every other culture night party because it’s so much fun. I'm surprised the government didn't object to us singing and dancing to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It."

The next morning, it was surprisingly easy to wake up for our free tour sponsored by the China Aerospace Science and Technology Corporation (CASC) of Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City, and the Temple of Heaven.

Side note: Pretty much everything is sponsored by CASC. The current president is an ISU SSP alumnus from 1991, and the saying “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know” is a LOT more truthful in China than in any other country. They shell out a lot as our sponsors, but pictures from the Opening Ceremonies should have given that away already.

Unfortunately, it was a guided tour led by a guy with too many bad jokes. The bus ride was rather annoying, but we got there soon enough that I didn’t have to commit a felony.

The second we stepped off the bus we were assaulted by street vendors. Half of them were selling Beijing 2008 merchandise (possibly stolen or illegal) and speaking terrible Engrish. We walked underground until we reached the southeast corner of Tiananmen Square.

Personally, I was not that impressed with the square. I had read that it was the largest open city square in the entire world, and that may be true, but because of Mao Zedong’s tomb and the warrior’s memorial tower, it was anything but completely open. We pretty much just walked along the side without going into any museums or stopping near the tower.

We then crossed the street to reach the gates of the Forbidden City. Chairman Mao’s 6-meter tall portrait hangs above the entrance on the red walls, just to remind you what country you’re in just in case you forgot. Our tour guide reminded us that this complex was meant only for the Emperor and very important guests, and that anyone who tried to enter without permission was executed. Thanks for reminding me that I’m raping centuries of tradition by setting foot in the place. I was reminded of this once again when we crossed the Emperor’s bridge, so I specifically took a picture of my feet to remind me that I was walking on something that at one point was so sacred it warranted death for anyone but the emperor himself to walk on it.

Since I had been to the Lama Temple the week before, I was not particularly impressed with the Forbidden City at first. Once you’ve seen one Buddhist-style structure, you’ve seen them all, so I was starting to be disappointed. However, Frommer’s guide was right; there is absolutely no way to over-hype how incredible the Forbidden City is. The place just kept going, on and on. There’s no way one person can see the whole place in one day, and we only had the morning to check the place out.

One of the most impressive areas was the emperor’s house. The place is guarded by two huge lion statues, and in front of the door there is a large, circular jade stone placed in a metal holder with dragons carved all over it. Check the pictures page for it, the thing is an impressive work of art (more so for the dragons than the jade, but if you like jade you’ll love the decoration).

The term “ballin” does not even begin to describe how awesome it would be to be the emperor. Someone told me that one emperor had so many concubines that if he saw only one every night, it would take 6 YEARS to have a repeat. After the emperor dies, all his concubines have to become nuns, I guess because once you’ve had the best, the rest just don’t cut it.

Far past the emperor’s place is a beautiful garden with some amazing rock formations and some gnarly looking trees. The exit gate was right beyond that garden. If I get a chance, I will definitely head back to spend more time and move faster through the area without a tour group to slow me down.

We caught our buses on the other side (thank GOD we didn’t have to walk all the way back through the city and Tienneman) and went to lunch at a place near the southeast corner of the city. Afterwards, we went to the Pearl Factory, where I proceeded to be bored senseless after five minutes of looking at small animals constructed entirely out of pearls and thinking about what girls I know would freak if they were in this place. However, because I have a Y-chromosome, the only thing interesting were the fish. I wish these places didn’t give the tour guides kickbacks for bringing groups into their stores.

The Temple of Heaven was the next stop. This place was very impressive, but if I hadn’t seen the Lama Temple first it would have been better. The only notable part of the experience, besides what can be seen in the pictures, is the story about the side entrance to the temple. Every year at harvest, the emperor walked from the Forbidden City to the Temple of Heaven to give a sermon and bless the harvest. One emperor got too old to make the walk, so he installed a back door that was closer to his house, but he made a restriction that you had to be 70 years old before you could pass through it, that way his sons wouldn’t get lazy and use it every year.

On the way out, we were once again assaulted by people selling Rolex and Mao watches, Beijing 2008 merchandise, fans, Temple of Heaven books, and more crap. However, this time the army/police/whoever those guys with the red bands around their arms are intervened. One merchant started talking to me in broken English, then bolted towards the exit along with 5 other sellers as three guards came sprinting at them. Once was chased into the trees and tackled, the rest were just chased out of the gates, only to assault us yet again on the outside of the gate.

At dinner that night I learned that Mao Zedong’s civil war and Cultural Revolution were responsible for the deaths of around 60 million people. That little fact has changed my mind about where China is headed in the future.

On Monday evening I gave an optional lecture on the Mars Desert Research Station. It was mostly a rehash of the presentation I gave to the Niceville and Fort Walton Rotary Clubs, except with exclusive focus on MDRS and a little more detail on the engineering aspects, including my recommendations for improving the fidelity of the activities of the station. I actually had quite a nice crowd at the lecture, and there have been enough people apologizing for missing it, so I may do it again if there’s enough interest. I sure wouldn’t mind speaking again. I had to compete in the same time slot with the director of SSP, so that may have decreased my numbers, but it was still a bigger crowd than I expected.

Next Update: I put Stephen Colbert-sized balls on the table and ask the China Aerospace Science and Technology Corporation's President Zhang Qingwei about plans to harvest Helium-3 on the moon for nuclear fusion power generation. Will he give me a straight answer? Here’s a hint: NO